Spanking. Whether our primary turn on is psychological or physical we all enjoy it, right? I don't know about you folks, but I have had a passion for scene and all it offers for many years now, and one aspect which continues to give me much joy is diversity. Now, diversity may come in many different packages, for instance, are you a role-player? Or do you prefer to enjoy the sensation without interruption? But today I want to talk about physical diversity. Myself and friends of mine have been subjected to unwarranted comments on our shape and most recently our size. People come in different packages and I for one think that is great. I have played with many women and some men (!), all of whom have looked different. Did it matter to me? No. Why? Because people are physically diverse and that is one of the joys of our community.
For some it seems there are aesthetics to spanking and the scene. Some spankees have been described as too tall to spank. Why? Because conditioning tells us that a dominant person is taller than the submissive? I can tell you that Lucy McLean as Matron is rather scary and has me submitting in seconds, despite the fact she is several inches shorter than me. She and others, such as Amy Hunter, do not need height to exert authority. They do it naturally. And bloody well!
Others have been described as too thin with no ass, and I have had the fact that at times my ribs stick out noted. Does anyone really think we want or need to hear that? I can assure you that neither me or my friend are on any sort of diet!
Finally, some have been described as curvier, among other insults, and I myself have been asked if I have put on weight and described WHILE OVER SOMEONE'S KNEE as wobbly! Clearly ideal body shape is subjective from person to person.
Now, everyone has a different idea of what their ideal person to play with is, I have my own. But I LOVE playing with different people, experiencing something new both physically, emotionally and psychologically. What a person looks like really is not top of my list when I choose a play partner, in fact it is pretty low down the list. Even when it comes to spanking films and photo sets, we must remember that what we are seeing may not be ideal for us, but someone else may be looking at the same time and find it perfect. Again, it is all subjective. So before we rush in with our thoughts, maybe we should think about what we say. The models on the scene are people so thoughts and comments may be hurtful if not well thought out.
Rant over. Pictures and something light-hearted soon I promise!
19 comments:
Well, believe it or not, I am not quite the Adonis that I would like to be(*). Somehow I suspect that people who make such remarks aren't either.
It's not clear why people do say such things. I suppose that some of it is about the difference between fantasy and the real world, and people's inability to differentiate the two. Many of us have an ideal vision we like to see, but that is no excuse to dis people for not matching that(+). If it is about this, then the only thing to say to these people is "get real".
I understand that the person who made the height related remark has apologised, so good on them. We all make mistakes and I think a good measure of a person is how they deal with theirs.
L.
* - but please don't let on to anybody, eh?
+ - note, not "matching up", which would imply (to me) that there's an absolute standard, which is just not so.
Hi Leia, and thanks for your thoughtful post. Over the last few weeks, the experiences of various other scene girls have got me thinking about why we get such strange and insensitive comments aimed at us (maliciously or not) sometimes.
I wonder if some people struggle to see models as real people. Actually, seriously - I wonder if it properly hasn't crossed their minds. Maybe its easy to think of girls like us just existing on the internet in videos, and not having real lives, health problems, mortgages, insecurities and financial concerns ( the prevalence of pirated images/video makes me feel that people aren't always terribly imaginative about our finances!)
I'd love it if people would generally be careful of each others feelings (I'm sure we all would). But in particular, when dealing with CP models, I'd like people to consider this.
None of the CP models I know went into this work because they thought they were just too gorgeous to keep their play private. All of us, as far as I can see, do spanking work because it's a personal passion. I make CP movies because I grew up thinking that my desires were wrong and wouldn't be shared by anyone else. I want to create erotica that reflects my tastes, and shows them in a positive light.
As a result, I don't like being treated like a collection of body parts. My contribution to the field of spanking erotica (and that of other models in my acquaintance) goes far beyond putting our faces, bottoms, ribs (!), legs or whatever on display. When we've written our own scripts, put our fantasies into the public domain, hired talent, built websites, travelled the world at our own expense to work with the tops we respect etc, it's infuriating to be dismissed as a collection of physical features; as though our body parts were all we had to contribute.
I put up with it as a mainstream model, but I kind of expect more from the spanking scene.
Amelia xx
Amelia to tall and Leia to skinny and too fat?
Girls - don't let that hurt you.
You might also be too smart for some people ...
Please, please, please stay like you are - you're simply gorgeous in my eyes!
Lancs - Well done you! No, I suppose none of us will think we are perfect (unless we are extremely lucky!). I think it is as has been said by Amelia below, that people forget we models are human. You are correct, we should not 'dis' those who do not match up to our ideals, especially not before a good look in the mirror.
I am aware the person apologized, but the comment still cut the lady involved. If we could do what we like and simply apologize afterwards where would be be? Just a thought.
L xx
Amelia-Hello lovely! I think you are absolutely correct, people do forget that models are human at times, and it seems this sometimes includes the photographers and producers, not that I will get into that. Too political!
Like you I have passionate reasons for doing what I do, and it has nothing to do with thinking I am gorgeous! it is, well, complex enough to warrant another post!
I don't think you or anyone else should be treated as a set of body parts, and I hope that this little post on this little blog will raise a little awareness of the issue.
Thank you for commenting darling xxx
You're absolutely right, an apology isn't just about saying the words - it's about whether one carries it through and changes one's behaviour and/or outlook.
I agree about the personal remarks about our appearance. Why comment in person when our shapes are clearly visible on our web pages or videos. If it isn't off topic, what about asking our ages. A polite request after a few sessions is one thing, a direct question in a first-contact email is another.
If asked in person I follow the reply with a question about the guy's age. Whatever the reply I say, with a concerned frown "Oh you look so much older". They always touch their hairline!! I then laugh, if they join in, all the better. Is asking a woman's age just as bad as commenting on our shape?
Lancs - Yes it is. It is something I have had to do in the past. Change my approach, that is.
Catherine - Well, traditionally a gentleman never asks a lady her age, but it is not something that bothers me. That is not to say I think it is OK to do, and certainly not by someone who does not even know you! I like your response to it all, however!
Hi Leia
Unfortunately i think you are describing a state of the nation.
They either forget that kindness / manners / sensitivity exists ( or never had it in the first place )
I think this becomes more difficult still when people are exploring a dom side to them selves that makes them selfish and might just trample on any empathy that had in their 'real life' as Lancisto put it.
The key difference to me? between a desire to dominate and a simple crass cruelty or unkindness, in my opinion not with a word, but with an intention. Within that intention lies the respect and warmth that brings with it all the things you describe.
Brings up a fascinating paradox / balance :)
polite, charming and kind - but with that darkness / edge that you want.
b
I'm sorry to hear about this.
I still think that any gentleman who makes derogatory remarks about a lady when she's in a vulnerable position is no gentleman.
I also don't think that there is only one true definition of beauty. Leia I think you're beautiful, but I have also said this to other ladies who look completely different to you, and I meant it then as well.
And tounge-in-cheek: Too tall to be spanked!!! No lady is ever too "anything" not to be spanked! :-)
Bosun - You may well be right, and if you are that makes me utterly sad. I think sometimes people mistake Dominance for verbal cruelty. I think someone can be a perfect Lady/Gentleman and still be highly dominant.
Leia xxx
P.S. Is your name based on the history of Naval discipline?
Englishjeff - I totally agree. Beauty and what is beautiful is subjective. It would be nice if people remembered this.
Hi L
Don't be sad.
What a dull world it would be if we were all the same!
The observation can be made in almost every walk of life - from humour to business. Some people simply lose the will to be nice and considerate in a will to enhance their own position.
Just got to keep the radar on.
I also completely agree about mistaking verbal aggression for dominance .
I have never (and could never)make a lady feel bad about herself, it would destroy any chemistry and intensity.
After all, Dominance without respect and trust?
It could be argued that it is only a short mental step away from consent...... a nasty slippery slope.
(discussions like this makes me realise that we are all playing with matches)
:)
as for Bosun
No ironically it isn't.
Its a nickname I had when younger. Funnily I hadn't made the link.
(bad girl!)
x
A very interesting and well-written post, Leia-Ann! I absolutely agree with you, making crude comments about someone else's body shape is impolite and stupid!
I freely admit that I find certain body shapes and looks more erotic than others (that goes for men and women).* And since films are not only about storylines but about creating erotic pictures as well, the looks of the people involved plays a certain role for me. If I told you it wasn't so, I would be lying. But, first of all, this is just one aspect among others. Storyline, camera angles, personality, the chemistry between the people involved, passion and so on are important ingredients as well. And, secondly, even if I don't like a film for any reason, this doesn't give me any right to insult the people involved!
One more thought about the people who make these impolite comments: Given my personal preferences, my body shape definitely isn't the most perfect one I could think of. But I try to treat myself with self-respect and care nonetheless, and to look at the things I like instead of only seeing the things which I don't like that much. I don't want others to make impolite comments about my looks (because it would be disrespectful and hurtful) and of course I treat other people with the same care (because everything else would be disrespectful and hurtful as well). To me this is absolutely obvious and very simple. So, what is wrong with those people who don't seem to understand such a simple rule? Could it be that people who insult others with impolite comments about their looks are very unhappy with themselves and/or very insecure about their own looks? Could it be that they don't treat others respectfully because they don't have any self-respect, either? Just a thought...
* That doesn't mean that I only like one special look, but I simply find some people physically more attractive than others (which I think is true for most people, only that they all have different preferences, which is great).
Agree with your sentiments Leia and, in particular, the importance of diversity...which is a beautiful part of this scene.
However, a couple of thoughts which may or may not impact on this. First, I wonder whether some of the confusion derives from the term spanking model. Are we really saying that we think looks should be irrelevant to whether someone can be a vanilla model. Yes, of course, many have different views about what is attractive, but I still struggle to see how more than 10-20% of the female population would make a good model. In a utopian ideal, looks would be irrelevant, but given human nature modelling does imply a certain level of "quality control". So how is a spanking model different? Amelia implies that she'd expect better from men in the spanking community than those in the modelling community. Is that because men should be grateful that there are any women at all willing to indulge their taboo fantasy? Or is there something inherent within our community which says that (unlike my belief that only 10-20% of the population would be suitable to be a vanilla model due to looks/figure), 100% of the female population could be a great spanking model (based on looks/figure) and what we're looking for is simply a certain pain threshold and either a natural submissive nature or the ability to turn on a submissive headspace?
The second point I'd like to pick up is about men struggling to see models as real people. No doubt this is often true, but the opposite is also true as well I suspect. Most of the men in this community are more in danger of becoming too attached (too caring) for those brave women who do cater for their taboo fantasy. I think if you spanking ladies were willing to share more aspects of your life and persona with us, you'd find we would love to be your protector and supporter. But the reality is, as you said earlier, that because of the private v public divide in your lives, the last thing you'd want is men getting too attached and too caring, so I assume you'd want to keep them at emotional arm's length. I'm in no way blaming you for this (which is exactly what I'd do in your position), simply noting that men realising this are more likely to act in a more "dehumanised" way and, for example (as I don't know the context of your original annoyance), see a 1-2-1 encounter as a financial bargain where they're entitled to comment on whether a lady's figure meets their particular taste. I'm not defending this attitude you understand, just observing one reason why it may exist.
Hope none of this is too controversial. I basically agree with your post Leia, but just wanted to provide some other angles to keep in mind.
Hi Andy Mac; at risk of being pedantic, I just wanted to reply to your reference to me. I tend to avoid online controversy, but having replied to Leia's post I want to make sure I'm not misunderstood. So forgive me for going on and on ;)
'Amelia implies that she'd expect better from men in the spanking community than those in the modelling community.'
This isn't what I was implying. As a mainstream model, I'm not really part of a 'community' as such. It's an industry rather than a group of likeminded people. And I expect not to get jobs I'm unsuitable for, and to be judged too big for some clothes, too old or young for some designers, or the wrong ethnicity for some projects. Absolutely. What upset me last week was that a blogger used an uncredited picture of me to make jokes about my height and to illustrate the opinion that tall girls shouldn't sub on film unless they can find someone who's '6ft8' to top. My point is that while as a 'mainstream' model, my look is my main selling point, most spanking models are part scriptwriter, part actress, part producer/director - not just a pretty face/body type to hire. I think of the role of a spanking model as being more like a stunt woman/man than a model; being able to DO the job is of primary importance. Looking nice while doing it is also important, but more subjective.
I have no issue whatsoever (and I imagine most other CP models would agree?) with producers choosing not to book a model who doesn't suit their aesthetic. No problem there. But to book the model and then make unkind comments? Abysmal manners. And to post discourteous remarks on a blog about someone's physical features is thoughtless, especially if they belong to the same blogging community and are likely to read your comments.
As I said, I've tended to expect better from the spanking community. That's because it IS a community. Not because you've got a taboo fetish and should be grateful for what you can get, but because we've got a shared fetish, and the online community that's grown up around CP is mostly a non-judgemental, positive one, in my experience. It's a place where unkind personal comments are rather less common than in, say, the fashion industry.
You mention my saying that men struggle to see models as real people. That's not what I said. I said some PEOPLE struggle to see models as real people. And I didn't say I expected better from MEN in the spanking community, I said I expected better from the spanking community as a whole. Its interesting that you assumed I meant men, but I assure you, this is not the case. I have nothing against men :)
Hi Amelia
Very interesting conversation.
I get what you are saying about the difference between a community and an industry (like fashion).
However, don't you think there is an emotional distinction between a real community and a blogging community?
You and Leia are amongst the fortunate rarified few who truly 'belong' to such a real community and benefit from its support, contact and mutual understanding.
Many of the people you interact with via web / blogs etc are most likely outside of that or any form of meaningful community, often in splendid isolation dealing with their 'secret'.
(this page for instance is the longest conversation I have EVER had in the community - despite having been a spanker for 20 years....)
It is thoughtless - to blog at someone else cost -
but it surprises me a lot less than the actions of the director.
bosun
Hi Amelia
Thanks for your post, love your forthright style and you make a fair point . . . it was a bit naughty to take your comment out of context to illustrate the point I was making! It's also true to say that I'm talking in generalities whereas you and Leia no doubt have in mind specific incidents where someone has been gratuitously thoughtless, unkind and quite possibly malicious.
At the heart of my post I guess is a difficulty I've long observed which is whether we're primarily "punters" or "community friends", which I see as a big grey area . . . and I'm intrigued by the distinction being drawn between the fashion industry (a business) and the CP world (a community). I also identify with Bosun's distinction between the 2 sides of our community, where inevitably there will be different perspectives. Unfortunately I'm now way off topic Leia's original post but this would be a great subject for another post from you guys at some point in the future . . . so, until then, au revoir!
So many interesting comments folks, thank you so much. I will be doing the odd post periodically in an attempt to describe my view on the matters raised.
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