Hello folks, been a while I know but I have been on a bit of a rollercoaster of late! OK, down to what I want to talk about: The dark side.
Everyone of us has a dark side, I have been aware of this for some time and have accepted it as a part of human nature. My dark side largely manifests itself as a disciplinarian who enjoys dishing out punishment to those deserving of it, nothing more. Recently this all changed when I was asked to be part of the top team for an interrogation (I have done three as a 'subject). I was very nervous before, worried I would not have the skill to pull it off. However, when the scene began I was quickly immersed in it and before long I was enjoying taking an active role. I found I revelled in throwing buckets of water on a subject and was happy to take part in the psychological tricks we had up our sleeves to break them down.
The scene culminated with each subject undergoing a session of waterboarding, the length of which depended on how quickly they gave up the information we were after. I have been waterboarded three times, but have never seen how it works or the effects on others. For this reason Mr E had me hold a torch in the direction of the action, to give him light and allow me to see. I happily watched all four subjects go through this and even chuckled when one sobbed after being instructed she would have to suffer fifteen further sessions (we did not do this but it must have been psychologically painful). The scene ended, there were hugs all round and off we went back to London. It was late when we arrived so I thought little on what we had done and headed straight for bed. The following afternoon I had a crisis of conscience and was highly emotional about the events of the previous evening. How could I have done such awful things? Worse, how could I have done such awful things to my friends? I had watched four people be broken and taken an active role in it. I believed I was a terrible person. I talked with the other members of the team which really helped clear my mind. I realised that if asked to do this to an unwilling person I could not do it, so the major difference here is consent. These people all wanted to go through this and would get something out of it, both physically and mentally. So, is it a bad thing to have a dark side? Well, yes and no. It depends on how the dark side manifests itself. Mine only comes out to play with those who wish to see it.
20 comments:
You helped a group of people who wanted to play that scene to do so incredibly successfully. That's surely a good side, not a dark side!
I guess enjoying any part of deep psychological torture is something one must wrestle with. Thinking back on it I would worry more if I was not concerned by what I did. Also, what I am trying to say in this post is control of your dark side. If it is controlled and directed only within scenes with consenting people then this is more OK. Not sure I am putting all this very eloquently!
well you might consider asking "forgives" with your bare bottom. I have always found that undergoing a punishment clears everything away so to speak Put your bottom in the hands of one of your victims and hold on tight
Could this be the legendary Top Drop?
I am only guessing about this, as I have absolutely no natural toppy side to my nature and have never had a thrill or crash from Topping.
Prefectdt
Miami Bob - I would, but many are subby so that could not work, but good suggestion.
Hortic - Yes, it could be, but in this case it was more complex. It was a severe crisis, based upon what I had done, which was far extended on my usual exploits. This was not so simple, but it could have contributed. As you say, you have not experienced it, and nor have I!
It does sound like a difficult scene to deal with. The idea of waterboarding doesn't appeal to me. My taste for "torture" is limited. But what matters is that the people involved in the scene wanted to experience it. None of you forced it on each other. Exploring that kind of scene is heavy, and there are risks for everyone, psychologically. It had a painful effect on you that, ultimately, wasn't entirely positive. It's good to see, though, that you've got a handle on it now. Whether you're a top or a bottom, everyone has a responsibility for making it safe.
I have an interest in the all thinks kinky due to the idea of always trying something new. In the past though i have done violence to people in the real world, and to begin with it was to protect others( i used to work in a violent profession)if you start ignoring that voice in your head telling you what you have done is wrong by words that make you feel better it will lead you to a place where you dont want to be, feel bad dont do it again.Guilt is the human safety catch
Brett - Well, it was not a bad experience, quite the reverse. I learned much and cannot thank those in charge enough for having me along. All scenes with such a psychological edge have an impact. That is part of it. When I did it as a sub I had the most tremendous high then the most tremendous crash. As a top I had the reverse. I like taking my mind to the edge sometimes, it is both a challenge and a way to find out more about oneself, and others.
mrmr1234 - I think you are missing the point here. The key to this scene is CONSENT. From what I gather your job did not involve consent and your 'victim' was unwilling. This is not the same thing at all. I do not think anything I did is OK to do to an unwilling subject, as I said in my post.
Leia-Ann, I can only look at this from an outside perspective because I'm not interested in this edgy type of play (in fact I'm quite sure that I'm one of those people who would be harmed by the experience), but I think you are absolutely right about the consent.
When I started exploring the world of spanking, I had similar questions on my mind concerning a slightly different topic. At the beginning of our relationship I was quite confused about Ludwig's fascination for severe play. And I asked him questions like: “Do you enjoy other events were people are physically harmed, too? Where is the limit?” And Ludwig's clear answer was that he wouldn't be able to enjoy it if there were no consent and if any permanent harm were done. Now that I've started switching I found out that I can enjoy topping, and I'm talking not only about the joy of giving the bottom an experience he or she seeks but also a more “egoistic” form of joy, but only if I know that the bottom is okay and that the experience won't do him or her any harm!
Remember when Ludwig interviewed you after our fun shoot? You said that you enjoy topping now because you can take people to the places you like to go to when you play as a bottom. So, it seems like the well-being of your victim is always in the back of your mind, even if and when you also enjoy a scene for more “selfish” reasons. And from the accounts and comments I've read it so far it seems to me that the “victims” are very happy to have made this special experience, so I don't think there is anything you have to worry about. Maybe talking with them could help to reassure you and to put you at ease?
But I think the questions in your mind are good nonetheless because they will make sure that you'll only do these edgy scenes with people who really want to do this and who won't be harmed by it. The only thing you'll have to find out is whether YOU feel comfortable with playing these scenes as an interrogator. I guess there are forms of play one might be comfortable with as a bottom (or victim in this case) but not as a top (interrogator) and vice versa. At least that's true for me. But I'm sure you'll think about it and find the right answer for you! :-)
i understand that consent is very important it stops the act from being torture and illegal and im sure the people who took part were very pleased in the whole experince and found it very worth while.
My argument although not but forward very well was intended to point across a view outside this percfic case and more to do with the human mind the darkside of human personality, and the crisis of conscience.
With the idea that humans have done terible things to each other though out history when we ignore the little voice in our head and seek solice in words that we tell our selves or seek council in those we have perpitrated the act with.
Please do not feel this is attack in any way on how you live your life or you and your friends,as I love you blog so very much. And sorry if i have in any way made you feel sad or doubt yourself. Im just very passionate about listening to your conscience.
Waterboarding sounds horrible to me but when done with consent in a play - should be OK.
Others might find the idea of a caning horrible and can't imagine the joy of a consensual caning.
As long as no one gets really hurt (physically and mentally) and you had fun then there shouldn't be anything to worry about.
Like you already wrote - you wouldn't do that against someones will and that's the key.
The "Milgram experiment" showed what kind of horrible monsters we average people are. The difference is however that your play involved only persons who knew that it would be safe and consensual and that that the "victims" would go home unharmed and probably with a smile on their face.
Kaelah - Thank you so much for such an honest and thought out response. You are right, it is a question of whom you interact with and what you do. As long as we never go outside the realms of safe sane and consensual we should do OK. I think these are pretty safe words to live a scene life to.
mrmr1234 - No, you are allowed to have your opinion for sure! I just think you are missing the point of the scene, which is safe sane and consensual, which this was. however, I do think we should question ourselves when we go to the edge, as was the case here.
I would never inflict violence on someone else without their will unless my life depended upon it. I am not sure what your job is but I hope it warrants such acts!
Nordlichte - I agree. Different people have different kinks. When I did this as a sub I gained much from it. I realised just how resilient i am in mind and body and the knowledge of having this strength has stood me in good stead in my life. It seem odd, but since the scene I have had more confidence in myself. However, I think it is always wise to look at what we do, for what we do makes up part of who we are.
Leia-Ann, again your post (in combination with a post written by Erica Scott) inspired me to write yet another philosophical rambling on the Rohrstock-Palast. It's about the selfish side of sadism and the question if and when this can be a danger to a bottom. To my mind your post gives a great example for a sadistic experience in combination with an edgy form of play which wasn't a danger to the bottoms involved because you and the other tops cared for their well-being and wouldn't have done the scene with people who could have been harmed by the experience. Thanks for the inspiration! :-)
Kaelah - Oh bless you lovely! Am taking a look just now xxx
I hope you'll like it!
And I just found a mistake in my text which I corrected immediately. It must be: "That's why I found all the questions on Leia-Ann's mind good and important nonetheless because even though her fear of having done something wrong WAS unfounded I think that the questions will make sure that she'll only do these edgy scenes with people who really want to do this and who won't be harmed by it." I had written WASN'T before, but of course that wasn't what I wanted to say. I obviously mixed up "wasn't founded" and "was unfounded"...
Kaelah - Just posted lovely. I do hope the ramble makes some sense. I understood what you meant, so please don't worry :-)
Leia-Ann, I'm very glad that you liked the post! Thank you so much for your kind comment! And your ramblings definitely make sense. :-)
Kaelah - Thank you and not at all! xxxx
You helped in this post for many people. That’s surely a good side.
I guess enjoying any part of deep psychological because this is interesting. I have always found that undergoing but not reach.
I have absolutely no natural toppy side really good. Thanks share this must posting. I like well.
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