I am sure most of you out there who know me or who have met me will not think of me as particularly vulnerable, but that does not mean I do not enjoy the sensation when a scene or an action induces vulnerability within me. But what causes me to feel vulnerable? Is it the same or similar to what does it for you? Probably not as this is another one of those subjective emotions but I imagine there may be some overlap. When did I start to let go within scenes? I think it is the first time I was able to cry in front of my top during or after a scene. Ever since that moment I have found it far easier to let go.
Why do I enjoy feeling vulnerable when I submit? I think it is because I am anything but in the real world. Over the years the real world has forced me to grow a tough outer shell (I think we all do to some degree, depending on circumstance) and it is a fantastic feeling to be able to relinquish that shell and allow the inner me to come out and play. Also, I am and always have been quite the control freak (I have noticed that with organising my parties!) and this ability to show allow myself to play with vulnerability is not only quite a recent affair, but it is quite groundbreaking. The ability to let myself go. Obviously I only play on such a level with those I really know and trust implicitly, which in itself can present a problem. Over the years life has taught me not to trust, so again this is something quite new for me and has only really been experimented with in the last couple of scenes or so.
What makes me feel vulnerable? I cannot list everything as I am not sure I can put a finger on all points, and some points I have probably not yet experienced, but this is what I have discovered so far:
1. The element of choice being removed from me. When the scene is written such that choice is removed from me (obviously I ALWAYS have a choice, but I am sure you know what I mean). I imagine this is because choice gives you a degree of leverage, and when that choice is removed so is your leverage. This is not an unpleasant feeling for me, in fact it is quite the opposite; I have the release of not HAVING to make that choice, and the feeling that I am relinquishing my body and mind to that person I have allowed to have me in such a vulnerable state.
2. Exposure. Obviously we (well, I certainly do!) feel more exposed when we are not clothed. But, as I have previously stated I feel more vulnerable when partially exposed, particularly if it is certain parts of the body such as my bottom, breasts or genitalia while the remainder of me remains covered. I am not sure why this is but I imagine it is because the clothing that remains highlights those areas. I have found that if I am bent over with my knickers pulled down and stretched between my thighs I feel particularly vulnerable, whether I am about to be used or to receive punishment.
3. Lectures. This has been a recent realisation for me, and I guess it came from my last big scene with the switch. When I am being lectured and that which is being told me is all true I cannot help but lower my barriers. I feel sorry for myself and as such feel vulnerable with respect to the person giving me the lecture.
So, what makes you feel vulnerable folks? If you have anything you would like to share I would love to hear about it!
