Sunday, 11 December 2011

Vulnerability

I am sure most of you out there who know me or who have met me will not think of me as particularly vulnerable, but that does not mean I do not enjoy the sensation when a scene or an action induces vulnerability within me.  But what causes me to feel vulnerable?  Is it the same or similar to what does it for you?  Probably not as this is another one of those subjective emotions but I imagine there may be some overlap.  When did I start to let go within scenes?  I think it is the first time I was able to cry in front of my top during or after a scene.  Ever since that moment I have found it far easier to let go.  

Why do I enjoy feeling vulnerable when I submit?  I think it is because I am anything but in the real world. Over the years the real world has forced me to grow a tough outer shell (I think we all do to some degree, depending on circumstance) and it is a fantastic feeling to be able to relinquish that shell and allow the inner me to come out and play.  Also, I am and always have been quite the control freak (I have noticed that with organising my parties!) and this ability to show allow myself to play with vulnerability is not only quite a recent affair, but it is quite groundbreaking.  The ability to let myself go.  Obviously I only play on such a level with those I really know and trust implicitly, which in itself can present a problem.  Over the years life has taught me not to trust, so again this is something quite new for me and has only really been experimented with in the last couple of scenes or so.  

What makes me feel vulnerable?  I cannot list everything as I am not sure I can put a finger on all points, and some points I have probably not yet experienced, but this is what I have discovered so far:

1.  The element of choice being removed from me.  When the scene is written such that choice is removed from me (obviously I ALWAYS have a choice, but I am sure you know what I mean).  I imagine this is because choice gives you a degree of leverage, and when that choice is removed so is your leverage.  This is not an unpleasant feeling for me, in fact it is quite the opposite;  I have the release of not HAVING to make that choice, and the feeling that I am relinquishing my body and mind to that person I have allowed to have me in such a vulnerable state.  

2.  Exposure.  Obviously we (well, I certainly do!)  feel more exposed when we are not clothed.  But, as I have previously stated I feel more vulnerable when partially exposed, particularly if it is certain parts of the body such as my bottom, breasts or genitalia  while the remainder of me remains covered.  I am not sure why this is but I imagine it is because the clothing that remains highlights those areas.  I have found that if I am bent over with my knickers pulled down and stretched between my thighs I feel particularly vulnerable, whether I am about to be used or to receive punishment.  

3.  Lectures.  This has been a recent realisation for me, and I guess it came from my last big scene with the switch.  When I am being lectured and that which is being told me is all true I cannot help but lower my barriers.  I feel sorry for myself and as such feel vulnerable with respect to the person giving me the lecture.  

So, what makes you feel vulnerable folks?  If you have anything you would like to share I would love to hear about it!

8 comments:

Kaelah said...

Again a very thought-provoking topic, Leia-Ann! I think what enables me to be vulnerable and let go completely is the feeling of being loved and cared for, combined with close body contact and the freedom of passivity.

Two sample scenes come into my mind when I think about the subject of vulnerability. The first one was the first time I cried heavily during a scene. I felt in the mood for crying that day, anyway, even before the scene had started. It was a fun scene, but the first two strokes with our mean little flogger (you know that one ;-) ) were quite hard because I had been cheeky to Ludwig. I immediately started to cry, not feeling tough at all on that day. The next strokes were a bit lighter and I calmed down. A switching followed because I had wanted to try out some switches. Again I struggled.

It was the final OTK handspanking that allowed me to let go. I felt very close to Ludwig over his lap. I didn't have the feeling anymore that I had to prove anything – and so I let out all the emotions that had built up within me. The strokes weren't particularly hard and I didn't cry because of the unbearable pain, I just used the spanking as a catalyst in order to let go. Ludwig gave me breaks in between sets of strokes. During the breaks I cried the most. He held and caressed me and asked me what I needed: more strokes, harder or softer? That made me feel very safe and allowed me to let down my guard and let go.

The second scene was one I wrote about a while ago. You can find the post here if you like.

Both are scenes which I would only do with Ludwig, and only in private. Usually I'm a control freak like you (and yes, it becomes obvious in the organisation process for parties). But I have to admit that I don't even need the intimate situation of a spanking in order to let go nowadays. I can do it in Ludwig's arms when being cuddled and I can even let my guard down with close family members or friends. I guess that explains why I don't crave vulnerability often in my spanking play, I have learned to let go in other situations as well. But sometimes I do, and the special combination of physical vulnerability and mental vulnerability in kinky play is something I exclusively share with my mate.

joeyred51 said...

Brilliant post Leia. I have not experienced being vulnerable even during hard play. However, it is a fantasy of mine that I hope to explore in the future.

Tim the Tum said...

Hmm. Well thought out and expressed post Leia, as usual.

I've never felt comfortable being vulnerable. I'm a bit too new as a switch to have gotten to the point where I feel that way; my spankings from my wife are very mild.

I suppose I do feel vulnerable when I post a new story on my blog (http://timthetum.blogspot.com/) or at the Spanking Library; will anyone like it? Will anyone hate it? What comments will I get?

I only feel this way about my fiction; reviews or opinion pieces I throw out with nary a thought, but I guess stories are our babies, and it can be nerve wracking to cast them from the nest.

Let me ask; does exposing yourself emotionally in writing this type of blog post make you feel vulnerable? You seem to put a lot of yourself into your posts, and I can see how that might mirror the feeling I have with my stories.

Anyway, thanks for making me think once again.

Best wishes

Tim

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Kaelah - Thank you lovely. Yes, I think I felt the same; once I had 'broken the seal' with my emotions I was able to again and again within a scene. I used to hold everything back, be afraid to show any weakness (well that is how I saw it at the time, I no longer feel that way), and worried that if I laid my emotions on the table then I would be seen as weak. I now know that to be false. It sounds like you are the same. You also speak much of affection, especially after a scene, which is very important. I like to be given a little time and a hug after a heavy scene too. I don't need too much, but it does vary from person to person. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Joey - Thank you lovely, I hope you do!

miami bob said...

Wow what friends you have all that work you are lucky indeed to be surrounded by good people...

How long did it take the welts to fade

Kaelah said...

I think we are quite different concerning our kinky fantasies and our play, Leia-Ann, but some elements and backgrounds seem to be very similar nonetheless. Thank you very much for all the thought-fodder I regularly get when reading your post. I've just published my own post about the subject of humiliation which was triggered by your post about humiliation and conditioning. :-)

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Kaelah - I think you are right. Not at all! I have been thinking much on things scene of late and I guess this is where it is all coming from. I am honoured you have taken a post and wanted to look at it yourself. I shall read this later on.

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