Thursday, 6 October 2011

Your kink is OK, but do I have to like it?

Hello folks, first of all I have to warn you some readers may find this post a little controversial.  I do apologise if anything I write does not come across as it is meant.  This is a difficult topic to cover.

Ok, so our glorious world of kink.  As long as a kink obeys the fundamental rules (safe, sane and consensual), we have a right to practise that kink, either in private or more publicly, say on film or at a party.  But does being kinky mean we have to applaud everything we see or hear about?  I don't think we do.  Right wing politics exists and I accept that, but it does not mean I have to agree with it, so how is kink different?  In the past I have felt obliged to say that I am happy with everything I see when that blatantly is not true.  I have felt that if I did not show this opinion I would somehow be persecuted for having a closed mind, I don't, I just have things that turn me on and things that turn me right off.

Now I have my kinks, and they tend to be quite dark and can lead into prison life.  Some people, particularly those who have experienced prison in their past or present may find what I think about unacceptable.  To me that is OK, because I feel the same way about certain scenes and scenarios too.  For instance, due to personal reasons I find anything that derides my body size (for example a script written where I might be punished for being overweight) totally abhorrent but others may find this quite hot.  I also feel we must be able to give an opinion on a particular scene, be that private or public without fear of being labelled as narrow minded or displaying the dreaded 'my kink is OK, but yours is not".  This is more subtle and more along the lines of 'Your kink is OK but I don't particularly care for it'.  

Obviously we can always point out that if a scene is not cared for don't look at it, which is fine and something I practise regularly.  However, it is not always possible to achieve this, particularly at a public event or if as a professional model you are faced with a producer who wishes to cover or has filmed  something you are not happy with.  This is where it can become a little uncomfortable for all, especially if that producer is not as understanding as some might be.

We live in a democratic environment and that should be extended to scene life.  For that reason I think we should have a right to our opinions on scenes and scenarios, be they fantasies we love or those which give us the shivers, as long as our opinion is constructive and well thought out.  There is nothing to be gained by slamming anyone or their fantasies.  It hurts all those involved and judging someone negatively can have a really profound affect on someone, but we can say to people 'no thanks, that is not for me' or 'I don't want to work for you because I don't agree with the scenes you produce' and do that with a clear conscience I believe.

Another point, raised by Mr A:  We may evolve through our scene experiences and as our fantasies may change, as may our views on certain scenes.  I had forgotten this but scenes I may have played out in the past (such as serious Gorean slavery) do not interest me at all now, and seem quite a turn-off.  Likewise, there are scenes I really want to cover now that I would not have considered in the past.  One scene I am preparing for required me to lay some ghosts of the past to rest and now that they have been I feel I may go ahead safe in the knowledge this will be nothing other than fun for me (and hopefully all others involved!).  Again, we should be allowed to change our views on scene without judgement, after all we all do in other aspects of our lives don't we?

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this folks.  Thank you!

25 comments:

joeyred51 said...

Leia,

I believe this is a very important topic. As a bottom, we have a right to say no thank you. Communication is really important; some bottoms are sometimes too shy or nervous to speak up for what they want or do not want. Or, in an effort to please a top, they agree to harder play. The result is often a very unsatisfying scene for the bottom and one they regret. It can ruin a fun nite of play for someone.
So, yes. I am in agreement with your comments.
joey

Ursus Lewis said...

A vanilla friend of mine posted recently a statement which deeply moved me: "Never judge what you don't understand." As human beings we tend to judge, always. It's very hard not to. Of course in life (and the scene) we don't have to like or agree with others views. Life changes and so do dreams and fantasies. Every individual has to accept this for him and herself and I believe if you do, you are more open to accept the fact there are so many different taste and many of them I will never understand. I don't have to, but I have to try not to judge, because maybe I don't have all the information needed to judge and my judgment may be rushed.

The most important is that people talk about what they want and need, in life and in the scene. You have to keep talking even if you play a lot with somebody, because boundaries and limits and fantasies change. Don't assume, ask and first and foremost listen to yourself.

stern said...

I am upset Leia, you did not offend me one little bit and I was so looking forward to disagreeing with you.
Top girl!

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Joey - Indeed communication is the key and it is up to all parties to discuss everything before play begins. I have scenes from my past that I regret because I did not have the courage to say that scene was not for me. One was particularly psychologically damaging so I guess this is where I am coming from. Thank you for your post.

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Ursus - Indeed we should not judge, I am definitely with you on this. This is not what this post was about, and I hope that was clear. I believe I stated in my post that feeling negatively judged about a scene you wish to pursue can be quite painful. I have had this happen to me and I felt horrible, dirty even for suggesting it. However, we must be able to say 'no thanks, I don't want to be a part of that' if it is something that we don't care for or, as a result of our own baggage do not feel we can play out without waking ghosts of Christmas past. If we do not do this we risk being taken down a tide towards something that may turn out to be a terrible scene. This happened to a friend of mine recently, where a trust was broken, a boundary past and now his wish to play on the scene has all but gone. Hope this ramble makes some sense!

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Stern - I am sorry to disappoint you ;-) Glad you enjoyed the post though.

Tony Elka said...

To me, The Goreans feel like the S&M equivalent of The Taliban.

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Tony - You are quite correct. It is a part of my scene history I prefer to forget.

Ernest said...

Leia, I found this fascinating, especially having played with you recently!

Like you I would find rather unpleasant [you put it more strongly!] a scenario where someone was 'punished for being overweight' - and yet there are those who enjoy such a situation because one sees them on the net!

You may be interested to know that I agonised beforehand whether it was appropriate to use the scenario we had - would you take personally the remarks about your academic background, would you think I meant them? I decided in the end that you would recognise that acting was acting and it would be OK - and so it was!

Chris

Spank-A-Lot said...

Amazing read and thought provoking. Thanks for the post Leia. Reading it reminded me of something a then-exploring vanilla once said to me - "I don't think I will ever like kink, there are just somethings in there I don't like. To which me reply then was, in a rather gluttony fashion, "Have you ever stopped eating ice-cream just because you did not like every flavour out there?" For a while even I thought that reply was rather silly. But over the years as I reflected and recollected my thoughts/experiences......I now feel that despite how silly my reply may have sounded it probably reflected how I personally felt. The world of kink is really BIG and honestly there aren't many kinkster I know that can honestly say that they are interested in every kink activity. Doesn't make them any less of a kinkster to me. When it comes to play events or even living the lifestyle, the clash of aspects sometimes lead to some would say "a wrong fit" but that happens in mainstream activities as well. Personally, with consensual being one of the major rule the majority of us follow , I have found that sometimes there is no easier way to put it across when there is a certain aspect of kink we do not particularly like or are not comfortable with. However I felt that its always best to bring it out right at the start, in a polite way of course, especially before starting an "activity" with someone. As a lesser known author, Abe Wagner, once said "Say it straight or you'll show it crooked". Its uncomfortable at the start but it clears the air and I have found that my "play time" normally gets on rather smoothly once we have reached a common ground on both our expectations and limits with our play or even lifestyle relationship. Unforutnately there is that popular belief or assumption that a person has to openminded in the first place to be a kinkster, and thus are taken aback when we seem to be uncomfortable with certain aspects. Funnily I never knew being a kinkster meant not being human but I digress.

Just my thoughts sorry if it seemed incoherent. And do keep up the lovely work Leia :)

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Ernest - It depends on how one approaches my intellect. In the case of a scene, where I have used it badly then that it totally fine. If, in conversation I have someone trying to undermine it because of their own insecurities (and this has happened to me at spanking parties in the past) I will not tolerate it and will either stamp on it or walk away from them.

I have had a person ask me esoteric questions based on their own chemistry PhD, who then tried to make me feel substandard because I did not know them. my response was to ask him question based solely on mine. Naturally he was unsure of the answer!

What I am trying to say is context is the key with many topics.

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Spank-A-Lot: Long post, wow! Yes that is indeed how I feel so thank you for your comment. Being open minded does not mean that you have to appreciate or take part in every scene activity out there. Likewise if a spanking producer writes scenes I find abhorrent then I simply will not work for them again. I see no reason to risk having such a scene written for me. It is not wrong to say what you think.

Ursus Lewis said...

Leia, your ramble make sense. And I fully agree with you, we must have the right to say "no, thank you". Saying "no", does not mean we judge one others fantasies, it just simply says "I don't want to be part of it" and this might be for what ever reason. The reason does actually not matter, it only matters if the two players agree on what the play should be about or if they don't. And if they don't they simply do not play and nobody should be offended...

Kami Robertson said...

I love the subject.

I felt myself often under the pressure of pretending I like someone else kink. Mostly, I felt I will offend them if I say that I dont like it.

Once I pulled back on meeting someone just becuase his partner at the time used to like things that I personally consider too dangarous becuase of a real chance serious injury. I never met them, becuase I wasnt sure I can pretend to be ok with it and/or I could even accept her as my friend.

I mean, we want to look out and help our friends, right? So if I think what she does is dangerous what should I do? I didnt know.

As I have been introduced to various (and completely different to what I knew before) kinks/kinky activities I found myself struggling with it even more.

I suppose its good to hear Im not the only one struggling with it or having these thoughts!

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Ursus - That sounds like just the course of action that should work for all. It is a complex subject and I have been wary of offending people in the past, I uess I still am but am more willing to voice my opinion on something.

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Kami - Yes it is a tough subject, especially when coming from the bottom, after all we don't want to be accused of topping from the bottom, right? That said, we should be able to voice how we feel. I hope you find it easier to do so in the future in light of this conversation.

EnglishJeff said...

My experiences on the larger scene are well in the past now. (Ten years plus.) But I'm still in touch and I still play on a 1-2-1 basis.

No one wants to be thought a prude, and just because someone's kink is something that makes you go, "Ewww! Gross!" it doesn't automatically mean that they're a bad person, and you don't want to come across as thinking that they are just because you don't like they're kink.

That said there are bad people out there. :( e.g. untrustworthy, abusive, or lacking in respect for other people. In other words, just like the rest of the world. :(

Okay to stop my rambling and sum up my feelings, and sorry if I’m stating the blithering obvious:

1. Express your views and opinions openly and honestly, but respect other people's views and their feelings.

1a. Encourage other people to openly express their views etc, and listen to them when they do.

2. If you don't like it don't do it. Ultimately it’s not fair to you, or to the other players in the scene.

2a. Accept that others might not like your kink (or at least not all of it) e.g. a lady might be happy to spank you, but she doesn't like being called "Mummy" while she does. It doesn't necessarily mean that they're a prude, or that they think you're a bad person.

Btw, good comments by other people on Leia's most interesting post.

Erik said...

Fantastic contribution, thanks dear Leia-Ann
Erik

Leia-Ann Woods said...

English Jeff - I fully agree with those points. If more of us subs followed those guidelines then maybe there would be less heartache on the scene. Maybe.

Erik - Thank you, I ma glad you find the topic of interest.

Ursus Lewis said...

I like your points Jeff, especially 2a. There are so many different head spaces and kinks ,not everybody can have the same likes and dislikes.

When potential new bottoms talk with me about boundaries, limits, needs etc. I never feel like that would be topping from the bottom. But it's essential to have this discussion before the play begins. During a play I'd rather prefer somebody using a safeword to stop the scene than giving me "instructions" from the bottom.

Teacher Slayer said...

Always good to question things, and to distance yourself from anything with which you are uncomfortable.

This generation in general is too quick to hold back for fear of causing offence or being labelled prejudiced.....

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Slayer - Indeed, and I have been like that in the past myself. There is no prejudice, just the need to say (politely!) how one feels about something.

Redhead said...

When the internet usage became widespread, I was totally surprised at the numbers of people posting, who said they were overjoyed to be part of a like-minded community, who’d previously bottled up their normative traits often sadly with a whole bunch of guilt. I realized then, how very fortunate I was to be introduced to what is now called a ‚kink’ world by someone, an ‚old’ woman of 25, a masochist/sadist several years my senior. Like me, she probably first heard the word ‚kink’ and all the subsequent acronyms several years later, when I did. I also suppose we, and my other play partners had privileged upbringings in very liberal environments. Expressing ourselves sincerely and creatively was/is everything and sex and it’s expressive flavors represented a couple of routes among many, many others to intimacy.

I mention this Leia, because what rankled me, and it still does, is how many of those newly liberated souls, couldn’t/can’t jettison their hide-bound senses of what is OK and not OK, and a whole bunch of ill-held divisive definitions, which for me polluted the sincerity and style enjoyed and passed on to me by players of my generation and my mother’s and grandmother’s generations (check out the surrealists).

Those hide-bound either cannot, or don’t want to accept that our happiness, souls, our ability to learn and inform, the fact that we have ever evolving natures with developing tastes and that we feel irrationally, are all no one else’s responsibility but our own. I try to understand and accommodate them, (and I believe you are probably more adept at doing that than me), but gradually, I’ve come to the point in a world where there are so many wonderful and open people with whom to interact, more often than not from within the arts community but not necessarily part of any ‚scene’, I simply haven’t time for those who aren’t able to accept differences preferences and evolution in others with good grace and understanding.

R

Leia-Ann Woods said...

Redhead - I completely agree. I accept all kinks that obey the rules, but not all of them am I personally keen on. That is NOT the same as non-acceptance of kinks. I think you will also find that people can be open/closed minded in any part of society, not just artistic types!

Kaelah said...

Hi Leia-Ann, I didn't have much internet time during the recent months but I am in the process of catching up. So, my comment comes a bit late. But I think you raised a very important topic here, so I wanted to write down at least a few thoughts.

I absolutely agree with you that one doesn't have to like everyone's kink and that one also doesn't have to pretend to. Depending on the scenario and my current mood there are two possible reactions for me when I'm confronted with fantasies that aren't my kink: Sometimes I come across scenes which aren't for me (like interrogation scenarios), but I still read the posts or maybe watch the clip because I find them interesting nonetheless. Sometimes scenarios (especially in films) contain elements that make me feel uncomfortable, though, and then I turn away. Since I don't like some of the elements which are very common in kinky scenarios (like for example unfairness), most of the kinky film and book scenarios as well as many descriptions of private scenes don't cater to my fantasies, anyway. So I think I've grown more and more selective over time and rather look out for blog posts, pictures and films that suit my kink.

Another important point you mentioned is the one about your life as a professional model. In my opinion the question in this case isn't whether it is okay for you to say that you are not comfortable with a certain scenario (answer: absolutely yes!). In my mind the point is that it is absolutely not okay if a producer tries to talk or push you into a scene you aren't comfortable with! I'm not talking about asking politely and trying to find a solution that works for both sides, for example by changing a scenario you don't like and erasing the parts you are not comfortable with in order to create a scene which is still close to the original one but okay for you. But trying to push a model's limits for me is a complete no-go and I wouldn't want to buy anything from or promote a producer who doesn't treat the models with respect.

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